When you become a parent, there are so many aspects of your child’s life that you look forward to experiencing. And when you are pregnant and dreaming about the life that child will have, you might look back at your childhood experiences with anticipation of being on the parent’s side of it this time around.
That was what I was experiencing as I scrolled on social media and lived vicariously through other parents. On this particular day, however, I did not expect to experience a parenting moment I knew I did NOT want to have.
The post was a picture of a letter the parent/s had written to their child. It was loving and heartfelt. In this letter, the parents explained that Santa Claus was not a real person. The intention of this letter was to break the news to the child without crushing their spirits. All of the comments and “likes” on the post shared other parents wanting to use the idea for their children when that time came.
When that time came.
That was the moment I struggled to get past. One day, I would need to tell my children that I intentionally lied to them for years and the idea of that did not sit well with me. I started reflecting on my own Santa experiences and when that “day” came for me.
I don’t remember how I started to figure out that Santa wasn’t real, but I do remember telling my parents about it. I remember them telling me it was okay not to believe but never acknowledged whether I was right. They explained that my siblings still believed and that it would be important not to “ruin the secret” for them. I understood and never told them anything.
However, when Christmas morning came around later that year, there was a gift for me from “Santa,” and my parents had taken the time to write a special card from “the man” himself. The handwriting was all jagged and I remember thinking it looked like Santa had written it while he was flying his sleigh. I thought in that moment that Santa truly was real and I was wrong not to believe. And for another year, I continued believing in Santa.
That was, until a friend at school told me the truth and that it was actually the parents who pretended to be Santa. My friend told me that. Not my parents when I had that conversation with them before Christmas. Someone outside my family circle. And when they told me that, I remember thinking, “I knew I was right.”
Reflecting on that in my pregnancy moment, I was sad that my parents hadn’t told me that, and instead, made me try to continue the belief despite my own discernment at that age. It felt wrong. I don’t judge my parents for it; I just knew I did not want to be part of that.
I was also a Christian at that time and did not like the idea of lying to my children about a fake man in the sky who loves them and not expect them to question God later. This post will continue to focus on the lying aspect in general, but I do think it is important to talk about that correlation. Now, I’m not saying that a person won’t be able to believe in God after hearing Santa isn’t real because I know I did for years.
But I do think it is worth thinking about why some amount of lying to our children is okay, especially when we know we will need to tell them someday that we did it over and over again.
I could not justify lying to my children and decided not to participate in Santa, the Easter Bunny, or the Tooth Fairy with them. Let me explain what I mean by “participate:” I explained that those are storybook characters that some people believe are real. We talked about how they see their favorite TV show characters at events, but that does not mean they exist in real life. I explained that belief is a personal thing and no one should tell someone else what to believe. And as such, my children were taught not to tell other children those characters aren’t real, just the same as they do not have to believe everything other people might tell them. This played heavily into the idea that if someone told my child that God is not real, at that time, it was important that the “magic” of religion not be ruined just because someone else said so. However, the premise is belief, not just religion. As such, it really applies to anything a person might tell my children.
I never heard from my children, parents, teachers, or even relatives with children that my children ever told others not to believe in Santa. And my children were respectful because they understood the concept that belief is individual and personal.
The response I did hear most from other parents was that my children were going to miss out on essential childhood experiences. And I absolutely disagree.
From my reflection, everything about these characters seemed for my enjoyment as the parent, not the children’s best interests. I started thinking about the empathetic perspective of those childhood experiences from the child’s point of view:
The story of Santa that was accepted by me as a child was that a strange old man watches me at all times, especially while I’m sleeping. That even though I have never met that man, he knows me and will reward me for my behavior. I learned that a grown man labeling children as “naughty” is acceptable. And I saw that parents would force their children, often screaming, to sit on a strange man’s lap while he pretends to be the jolly-gift-giving figure that has been watching them their whole life…just for a picture. A picture that was then circulated and laughed about while I witnessed my friends and I shrink with embarrassment. And this tradition went on year after year.
I know that what I just said is uncomfortable, but that is the reality of Santa Claus, even if not framed that way to children. Just because the facts are uncomfortable doesn’t mean the person pointing them out is wrong. If it is uncomfortable, sit with that and decide if that is something you want to be a part of. Because when you look at the story that way and don’t try to explain it away, what are we really teaching our children? And for whatever reason, generation after generation, this is encouraged as a “necessary” part of childhood. No thank you, not my kids.
But putting that aspect of the lie aside, let’s go a bit deeper about what Santa truly represents to a child. When a child receives a present from Santa, they are approved of. And when they receive nothing (or worse, coal), they are not good enough. To a child, Santa represents being known and rewarded just for being. This “being” they have never met somehow knows the EXACT present they wanted most and, without questioning why they wanted it, Santa willingly gave it to them. What child wouldn’t want that experience??
And when we look at it like that, why is that experience only happening once a year and by a stranger?
I’ll tell you what experiences my children aren’t missing out on: Thinking someone needs to express their approval of them ever; or that it is appropriate to want a strange old man to watch them and give them gifts after he does; or that it is appropriate and acceptable for parents to lie to their children.
Instead of my children receiving gifts from a stranger because of their behavior, I help them feel accomplished in their own growth throughout the year. Instead of giving “the joy” away to a made-up character, I get to see my child’s face light up when they see their favorite present was from me because MOM knows them. And when I have conversations with my children, they feel safe being open and honest because I never had to come to them and break that trust over a storybook character.
I do not write these words to judge others for how they want to or do teach their children about holiday characters. Traditions are something we tend to do without putting much thought into because it is just what was always done. I write all of this to just pose the question…
WHY DO WE DO THIS?
When you really look at how the overall experience is for the child….from their limited perspective of the world….is that the childhood you want them to have? Answer it honestly. And if so, why?
The joy and wonder can be had without lying.
Think about a professional illusionist. They don’t keep performing because people believe they possess real magic. They perform because the audience knows it’s an illusion, and still cannot explain what happened. The wonder comes from the experience itself, not believing the illusion is real.
Take a moment to reflect on why you’re willing to attribute some of your child’s most magical memories to a fictional character instead of allowing them to strengthen the bond between the two of you. Especially when you KNOW you will one day have to tell them the person they believed created those memories never actually existed. Don’t judge yourself for what comes up as you reflect. Just accept it.
If you come to the answer that you are comfortable with it, for any reason, then continue the tradition. No judgement, because you took the time to think through why you are doing something. However, if that reflection doesn’t sit well with you, then acknowledge it and recognize you now have the power to change it. But the reflection is the first step.
If you are never willing to look at the reality of your “why,” you will go on living as the person doing the things you feel uncomfortable thinking about, whether you are aware of it or not. Knowing about it doesn’t change anything. Sitting with the fact that you see it and desire change is where you take that first step in making a difference.
Reflect on what type of childhood experiences you had during the holidays that meant the most to you. Do you remember every gift “Santa” ever gave you? I’m going to guess, no. But I can imagine just about every one of us who were taught that Santa was real remembers the moment they found out he wasn’t.
As a parent, you do get to decide on many of the experiences your children will have, but just keep in mind that it is THEIR experience as well. And when you think about lying to your children, for whatever reason, just think about your “why” before doing it. If your “why” brings you closer to your children, do that. However, if an answer can be given without lying, take every opportunity there is to be authentic with your children. Reality will always be more memorable than fantasy, so just be real with your kids.