(This story is technically the continuation of THIS one where I detail what led up to this defining moment. If you are curious for “part one,” please check out my post on parental abandonment.”)
This wasn’t the first time I had experienced a panic attack. In fact, I had experienced some previously that landed me in the ER thinking I was having a heart attack. This was different though. This panic was stemming from how alone I felt, which meant I was also alone to deal with it. That was a first.
Both of the kids were sitting peacefully in their carseats in the back of our sedan singing along to whatever was playing on the radio. We were about to head to our new apartment as a family of three for the first time without anyone else. I was in a place of disbelief because this alone feeling was not what I expected to feel during this transition.
I had been told I would be supported until I was ready, but was then suddenly thrust into the unknown on my own. As I sat in my anxiety, I was completely judging myself for not being able to keep myself “together” with the kids right there in the back. I was trying to calm down, but that judgement on myself was only making things worse.
I had spent years before this point learning about psychology and coping skills through my college education as well as personal growth research. I knew I needed to ground myself back in reality instead of allowing the anxiety of the unknown future to continue strangling my breathing. However, although I knew this information, I did not had a lot of practice in doing it at that time, especially not during a panic attack, so actually succeeding was not guaranteed.
I started listening to the kids singing in the back. I always loved hearing their little voices singing along, so this seemed like a good thing to focus on. The song was coming to an end and I silently hoped a commercial break wouldn’t follow. I hadn’t been actively listening to the radio for very long before this (other media outlets were primarily used), so I was still adjusting to this life without as much technology or conveniences.
At the end of the song, the DJ came on introducing a new song that had been playing for a little while and shared some of the story behind the artist. I was touched by this artist’s story and was the first time I had heard of Rachael Platten. As the song came on, I knew immediately I needed to listen.
As the lyrics, music, drums and vocals of “Fight Song” played throughout the car, my tears turned from anxiety to empowerment. I knew I didn’t have all the answers right now, but I also knew I wasn’t going to give up. Ever. I would overcome this transition from married, stay-at-home Mom to divorced, single parent no matter how hard it was. I would pick myself up and take the next step forward. That was my fight song. Each breath, each step, each choice for my kids. With each moment I chose to keep going, I was fighting.
This song became a true anthem to me throughout the past decade. I have overcome so much because I spent years believing I could regardless of others not thinking the same.
There is something so special about choosing yourself for the sake of yourself. And this was the first moment I was making that choice. Not for the kids, not to prove to anyone else…because I could finally see that I am worth fighting for.
And “Fight Song” helped me summon the courage I needed in that moment. I drove home and never let the unknown stop me after hearing that song. I took the next steps forward. I stumbled. I made mistakes. I learned. And I grew.
Almost a decade later, after becoming a high school girls’ Physical Education Teacher, I decided to use this song to inspire my students as well. Part of my teaching was to help the students understand that fitness isn’t just sports in high school, but what you do after that is most important. I ended up planning a “dance fitness” unit to show exercise could be fun. It lasted two weeks and took a TON of bravery on my part!
I had over 200 female students all at the most judgmental age and I needed to dance in front of them every class for multiple weeks. Yikes! However, this unit was one that I am extremely proud of and we had a lot of fun with it!
I ended up choosing four songs to choreography, teach, and then perform throughout the unit. The first two songs were intended to be more fun, but the second two were specifically intended to empower. I chose “Fight Song” as the empowerment warm-up song they learned. I am positive I was more moved by the song and choreography than they were, but we did enjoy this dance.
Taking the song a step further, I was still student teaching that year and needing to submit coursework online throughout. One of the last requirements for my teaching license was to send a video of me doing a warm-up routine. This would generally include typical sports warm-ups, but I chose to use my “Fight Song” warm-up dance.
I definitely needed to record myself about 100 times to get the warm-up, lighting and sound accurate for the assignment, but I am proud to say my submission earned 100% in the end! It is truly amazing how a single song can impact you throughout your life. I am so grateful for Rachael Platten and her “Fight Song.” She honestly had/has no idea how much her song impacted my life when she wrote and recorded it.
Truth be told, I hope sharing my stories can have little, positive impacts on people’s lives, much like hearing her sing about her fighting did for me.