How to Self-Reflect After an Argument: What You Can Control

Recognizing Your Circle of Control

Alright, we’re going to set the stage: An argument just happened and you’re alone with your thoughts about how everything went down. You don’t feel good about how things ended and you keep replaying the argument in your head. What do you do next?

This part could go in many different directions. Perhaps, there is an immediate reaction and you try to continue communicating with the other person. Maybe you just want to punch something. There is always the flood of tears route as well.

Despite the plethora of options for action, let’s take some time to talk about the option to just pause. Regardless of what is going on around you in the moment, take a deep breath. That is the only action needed right now. There may be a series of actions that quickly follow, but this single breath will allow your mind to focus much better. So, just stop and breathe.

How you move forward from this moment can make a big difference in finding a resolution to whatever problem caused the argument. What you don’t need right now is thoughtless reactions that might bring consequences that further you from a solution. Instead, you just need to give yourself the space to think clearly.

I have talked previously about the brain’s inability to think critically when dealing with tense situations. Directly following an argument would qualify as a tense situation. To return the brain to a state in which it can access those critical thinking skills, you must first calm yourself down. Your single breath was that first signal to your brain that it is safe to calm down. More calm breathing can continue to help.

There may be times when you are sobbing uncontrollably and getting yourself to “calm down” seems impossible. Don’t fight the sobs. Let them out and don’t judge yourself for it. This is emotional expression at its rawest and should be allowed to pass through you without holding on to it. Cry until you can’t anymore. Once that emotion is released, you can work on calming everything else after. Whether a short fix of just a breath or two, or something that completely drains your every emotion first, you need to be in a place of openness, and for that, you need to feel safe.

Once you have gotten to a place of calm, you will need to mentally shine a spotlight on yourself and keep it there until you find your solution. I do not care if the argument was all about the other person and you have absolute validity in feeling like you “aren’t the problem.” None of that matters moving forward and this is why:

The ONLY thing you have control over in this (and any) situation is yourself. You cannot control the other person (even if talking about a child), the outcome, the consequences of previous actions, none.of.it. So, when you turn that spotlight onto yourself, you are putting the direct control of what happens next on you. And that is something you can work it.

Let’s talk for a moment about what I call, the circle of control. Imagine this, I place you in the center of an empty circle and ask you to list as many things as you can think of that are beyond your control, then position them on the outside of that circle. Now think of the things you can control and position them inside the circle. This inner circle around you is that circle of control and everything else beyond that circle should be thought about as going beyond that spotlight; unseen even if still present.

Your circle of control should look something like: Your responses, your emotional expressions, your actions, and your thoughts, etc. What’s outside that inner circle would be things like: other people’s thought processes, other people’s actions and responses, natural consequences that will happen, etc. No matter how much energy you devote to the things outside of your circle of control, you will never be able to control what is not within your circle. Period. What is outside that circle is someone else’s circle of control, and yeah, sometimes they collide. But regardless of what others around you are doing, the only thing you can control is yourself.

So start there and don’t be afraid of what you might find. Review your actions in the argument. Could you have communicated differently? How so? Did you get offended by something they said? Why did you? (Remember, this answer should be about YOU, not the other person.) Did you communicate your feelings or assume they knew and feel disappointed when they were oblivious? How was your tone? Were you allowing them to express their opinions and input or dominating the conversation? Did you clearly express your need/s to them? Get.real.curious.

This isn’t about shaming yourself or being judgmental. You aren’t taking blame for everything or letting anyone else “off the hook.” You are simply looking for where YOU can improve. That may be a sincere apology. It may be placing boundaries. Perhaps, trying the conversation again when you know the other person is more receptive to the discussion (coming directly home from work into a deep conversation may not be as effective as after dinner). No matter what you decide your next action step will be, it should be in the mindset of your circle of control.

I want to leave you with one last thought: Something I used to struggle with was feeling confident in my decisions. My self-doubt was real and I used to deal with anxiety over every parenting decision, resulting in overthinking absolutely everything. It was mentally and emotionally exhausting. As I learned to process my past trauma and cope with my struggles, I made a huge realization regarding decision-making that I think can benefit everyone in every situation.

With my Counselor at the time, I worked on discovering who I am deep down and what I believe about life. There is one motto that I live by, and that is “kindness always.” As I dove deeper into discovering what matters most to me, I realized that kindness truly is one of the most important aspects of life and this was something I felt I had a strength in. In my realization, it became apparent to me that as long as I live by this strong characteristic, kindness, things will work out. It was in that moment of recognizing kindness as my driving force, that I connected the dots. As long as my decisions are motivated by kindness, I can feel confident in making a good decision. This doesn’t mean that everything will just magically work out perfectly. That’s not real life. However, this does allow me to push past concerns over my decisions and any natural consequences. If my decisions are made in kindness always, the only guaranteed outcome is that kindness is spread. And I can’t think of a single situation when kindness was ever the wrong thing to do. That doesn’t mean throw all caution to the wind and put yourself into an unsafe situation. But you can deny someone kindly and firmly at the same time. So, whatever you decide to do moving forward after an argument, do it in kindness always.