Storytime: Whose Reflection Are You Looking Through?
As I sat next to my husband at the dinner table, we discussed the recent change of events. For the past four months, we had been working towards something that was long awaited. We hadn’t imagined ourselves in this place before it happened, but we supported the person making the decision and, as a result, the past several months had been a contentious point between my husband/me and the others involved.
The recent turn of events had thrown my husband and I into a complete tailspin and this current conversation was helping to illuminate confusion surrounding the ever-evolving situation. I had not been part of the conversation my husband was telling me about, so for the most part, I was listening in support. This entire situation involved things that did not have to do with me, but I was supporting a person involved and the backlash for that support seemed to be center stage at the moment.
Everyone involved, except the person I was supporting and my husband, is solidly convinced I have malicious intentions and am doing things to manipulate or coerce the supported person and my husband. The entire situation had nothing to do with me, except that I supported this person in their desires. All decisions were made by my husband and this person involved; I only supported their desires for change. And yet, I am the scapegoat and the reason everyone else’s lives are bad.
This isn’t the first time I have been in this particular type of situation. Most of my life has felt like this battle to prove I am not the person other people insist I am. It has been most prevalent in the past ten years as my ex-husband and his wife have tried to project their problems on to me and blame me for their unhappiness. I have been painted as an unfit mother, unstable, a narcissist, wanting my ex back and being jealous of his wife (that one is EWWW), intentionally harming our kids, being abusive, having malicious intent towards them, a liar, and public enemy number one. This theme of being portrayed as someone opposite to who I know I am has been following me for a long time.
I honestly thought that aspect of my life was over at this point because, for the most part, my ex has been entirely uninvolved for over a year and that peace felt nice. However, for the past four months, I have been that person to the others involved and I was really trying to understand what lesson I am supposed to learn from this, especially since it seems to be a reoccurring theme despite growth on my part.
Now, I know you might be tempted to think that me experiencing this theme may very well mean that I am the common denominator and maybe I really am the person they say I am and I am just in denial. Understandable because I look for patterns, too. However, the pattern in this one is not that I am the awful person they say I am, but rather, I have dealt with these kinds of people more than once in my life. I won’t put labels on people, but to describe the behavior, people like this never take accountability. They project their problems onto others and manipulate everyone around them to see their narrative no matter how crazy the story may be. They lie and twist facts to fit their narrative and care nothing about the people they leave in their destructive wake. I hope you have never had to deal with these types of people. I apparently have an abundance of experience, so I write this to help others who may go through situations with people like this.
Let me just stop here and say: With people like this, YOU will never change their mind about you. No matter how much evidence you have to the contrary, they will never change how they project you because it serves them. You will exhaust yourself trying to prove who you are and nothing will improve. This post is intended to help you understand how to cope with these kinds of people and avoid situations with them, but you will never change them and need to let go of that desire now. I know that is hard to hear and deal with, but not understanding that was what caused my own heartache for years.
With all that floating around in my head, I continued to listen to my husband share the story of how the contentious event unfolded earlier that evening. Being that I am mostly on the outside of the situation, despite their narrative I am the ringleader, I only have the vested interest of the person I was supporting in mind as he spoke. There are many people involved in this scenario, but as my husband was relaying the next part of the story, two names came up that felt extremely foreign at the time. I furrowed my brow because these names had not come up in this story so far and I wasn’t sure who he was talking about.
However, the recognition only took a moment to come as I realized he was referring to my ex-husband and his wife. I’m sorry….what? What do you mean? These two people being involved in this story was so far off my radar, I didn’t immediately know those names connected to those people when they were mentioned. Like I said, I really have very little to do with the situation, so having my ex and his wife brought into it was like experiencing whiplash. Come to find out, someone from the group of others involved was so desperate to prove their narrative, that they reached out to my ex and his wife and heard their version of me.
I am pretty sure I dissociated after hearing this because this was THE LAST thing I imagined happening in this situation. I know my husband was talking, but my mind just kind of went somewhere else. As part of dealing with Complex Trauma, dissociation is not a foreign experience for me. However, I have healed tremendously over the last three years, so I hadn’t experienced that in a while. For those who may not know, dissociation is when the mind briefly checks out due to intense emotional and mental stress. For someone with Complex Trauma, something can trigger a person’s memories of physically being in a threatening situation, and despite not physically being present in that memory, the mind and body will respond as if it is.
I really cannot stress enough how uninvolved in this situation I truly was. Everything about this situation had to do with my husband and a group of people close to him. Although I am connected to these people through him, I sit in the background just observing and supporting those I choose. The fact that this group of people have made me the villain in their story does not mean I was actually running the show. My role is more of the supportive partner of one of the lead characters. As such, I know every detail about the “show” because my partner would “rehearse their part” with me day-in and day-out. I would encourage them when they struggled, attend the “rehearsals,” listen to the retelling of events I couldn’t attend, and stood on the side of the stage watching my partner “perform” his role. But just because I did all that, it does not mean my presence behind the scenes makes me the director.
Understanding that, having my ex and his wife suddenly come crashing into our dining room conversation that night was beyond incomprehensible to me. Realizing this was now bleeding out into my personal life made the trigger feel like an actual gunshot wound and my mind just needed a moment. Whether dissociation or just a processing delay, when I realized what was going on, I confirmed with my husband that we were talking about the same people. Yes, indeed. And the information just got worse from there.
My husband disclosed that this person close to him had reached out to my ex-husband/his wife on Facebook and that progressed into a four-hour-long conversation with my ex’s wife. I learned that this person, whom I was previously closer to and had shared many of my personal stories of trauma with, told my ex’s wife about my claims of my ex’s abuse and that his wife denied everything. She then shared hours’ worth of the lies they’ve been telling about me for the past decade. And this person believed every word.
I was definitely in shock at this moment, but the story continued to deepen. Many years ago, the person I was supporting in this situation and I were closer as well. As we formed a loving bond, I opened up and shared a story of a very traumatic experience I had with my ex. That story is not easy to tell, but this person showed love and support, so I had felt safe disclosing such a painful story to them. I did not know it, but this person chose to share that story with the other members in this group and that detail was about to come out.
The person who had contacted my ex had then shared that story with my ex’s wife, who promptly denied it ever happened, as if she was there when it did. She wasn’t, and that means it was the first time she had heard that story. I wasn’t surprised that my ex and his wife did what they did. That is just typical behavior from them. The aspect of this story that I was struggling to understand the most was how my past and this current situation were colliding.
I was honestly grossed out by the whole story I was hearing because, what do you mean this random person who has a far-reaching connection to me (so an even further one for you) calls you up to discuss your husband’s ex-wife and you engage for HOURS with this person? What do you mean?
If this situation had happened to me, and someone randomly called me with a vague connection to my ex-husband, I would absolutely ask them to never contact me again because I do not want to be involved in my ex’s life at all; let alone his drama. I was taken aback at the fact this person I previously had a good connection with would do something like that, but also that my ex’s wife willing participated for H.O.U.R.S. Despite the disgust I felt in that moment, I absolutely felt that twinge of healing showing through. Perhaps more people participate in this kind of behavior, but as a healed woman, you can miss me with that phone call. Nooooo, thank you.
This was a weird place to be at mentally and I was feeling really confused as to how to process all of it. I recognized the fact I would have never done what these people did, and experiencing that evidence of healing felt amazing. These people want to project the illusion that I am some awful, wounded, bitter person out to seek my vengeance on anyone I encounter. But I could see the evidence in front of me that I am NOT that type of person. These conflicting realities create what is called cognitive dissonance. This is where two “realities” seem to exist in a person’s mind and the conflict creates psychological distress. Another symptom of Complex Trauma, but at this point in my healing, I know how to handle this.
I acknowledged my healing and felt empathy for what it must take for a person to be in a mental place to take those actions. I wouldn’t want to be in that place and I am grateful to be in the healing state I am. But along with that feeling of healing, I also felt deep pain for the betrayal I felt from this formerly close person. Not only did they drag my past into a situation that I was never even an active player in, but they also engaged in the smear campaign because it served their narrative. They discredited my pain and my truth. They listened to a stranger go on and on saying horrible things about me, and even though our personal interactions had always been positive, they never once denied or stopped the lies from being spread.
This hurt deeply, but mostly because I had absolutely nothing to do with their situation and their insistence that I was the forerunner had now brought my ex back into my life unnecessarily. I was flabbergasted at the behavior, disappointed by their actions, hurt by someone I thought I could trust, and confused as to how this was all happening the way it was. All those emotions were present, but I was not angry.
I was always taught that anger is not an actual emotion, but rather a byproduct of other suppressed emotions. As such, I have been fortunate enough to learn to process what most people experience as anger with the actual emotions causing that symptom. This situation called for alllllll the emotions and I began working through the ones that were the strongest.
At this point in my healing, I was deep into the work of reframing my situations and definitions of experiences into a positive meaning. How fitting was it that I would be experiencing a situation in the present that challenged the very principle I was working on. While processing my hurt and betrayal from this person, I kept thinking about how my ex’s wife had likely never heard the traumatic story about my ex and me. My ex is the exact same person he was with me when I left because of his abuse and I know there have already been many experiences he and his wife have been through that almost feel like deja vu because I’ve been in similar situations with him.
I began feeling grateful that this person had disclosed that story (although retold incorrectly, but similar) to my ex’s wife. Perhaps, hearing about the abuse I went through will help her see it in her own life. I looked at it like planting a seed. Maybe she has already been in a situation like my experience and realizing it wasn’t just her particular situation that caused him to do that will open her eyes. Maybe, hearing my story planted that seed in her mind and if my ex ever tried to do something like that to her, she could see situation more clearly than I did. Who knows, but maybe there is positive that will come from this. That thought calms the betrayal feeling and I fully lean into the framing of the situation.
This helps, but the reframing doesn’t negate the grieving I still have to go through in dealing with this kind of hurt. Someone I thought cared about me and who I was once close enough to share intimate details of my life with just broke that trust and did things to show they were not caring for me. That requires grieving. I only know this because of my prior work in healing. Grieving happens when someone or even something important to you is no longer there.
This is most commonly associated with happening when someone close to you leaves this life, but grieving is not just connected to the death of a person. Grief comes from any perceived loss. Grief happens when expectations are not met and is a deeper emotional experience of disappointment, usually because the result means the expectation will never be met. You expected your parent to watch you meet your lifetime milestones, but cancer took them earlier than you expected. You expected your hard work to pay off in a promotion after years of dedication, but your boss looked past you instead of meeting your expectation for recognition. You expect to get recruited for the NFL after you dedicated your entire college experience to honing your sport, but injury prevents you from meeting your career expectation. And when you feel emotionally close with someone, you expect them to remain trustworthy. Only one of those experiences involved the physical death of a person, and yet all these examples represent the death of something; and that is an expectation. You aren’t just disappointed, you feel deeply wounded that this expectation will never be met. You no longer have something that held significant meaning in your life and that emptiness will fill with pain if you aren’t willing to see that there is a wound to heal.
There is nothing wrong with having certain expectations in life, such as having a parent around in your older years, but when that expectation becomes so rigid that it dismisses the natural way of life, that’s when we experience problems. Think back to your Disney-watching days and remember The Lion King’s Circle of Life. Death is a natural part of our worldly experience, and although we don’t look forward to this aspect, to hold on to an expectation that it wouldn’t happen is denying the very process of life.
This isn’t meant to sound harsh, like you shouldn’t be hurting because you should expect death in life. No, not at all. Rather, expecting not to lose something you value and then losing it anyway is natural and should hurt. The pain reminds you of how much that expectation meant to you. So, allow yourself to feel that hurt instead of judging it as if it doesn’t belong. No one can tell you how to feel in any situation, and the label you place on your pain should only be an aid to help you heal, not a mechanism for shame. Feel the feelings without judgement and then give yourself permission to move forward.
And so, I did. I felt the pain and processed how violated I felt by this person’s actions. As I worked through viewing the situation from an empathetic perspective, I could understand being desperate to prove your narrative that you would make a decision like that. Honestly, it was a smart move. Go to the people who would most likely speak badly about me and collect information. If fitting a narrative was the goal, this was a brilliant plan. The only problem is that the narrative is a lie, so this actually accomplished nothing but falsely calming their own struggles. But just when I thought I was getting through my grief and moving forward, the plot suddenly thickened, throwing me into deeper grief and feelings of extreme violation.
About a week had past when an email notification came in stating my ex had filed something into the current case he had against me with a hearing date quickly approaching. As much as he was out of our lives, the timing of this was all very strange. A few months prior, he had filed a motion regarding his child support obligation. This was why having their names come up in connection with this completely unrelated person seemed straight out of the Twilight Zone.
However, the saga continued as I realized my ex was filing a personal newsletter I had written and sent out months before that was never intended for my ex to see. My reason for never wanting him to see it wasn’t because I was spreading lies I didn’t want him to know about, but because I was sharing my stories of pain and triumph, much of which was caused by him. I have worked very hard over the past ten years to keep my ex out of my life despite his desires to stock my social media accounts and (when the kids were in his life) encourage the kids to gossip about me. He doesn’t get access to my stories of pain he caused me and he most definitely doesn’t get to hear about my triumphs when he only ever discredited my accomplishments.
When I sent out the newsletter, I was very selective about who received it. This entire group that was close to my husband was also considered within that safe community to receive this newsletter, so I knew right away how my ex had received it. This was now beyond just wanting to gather information that fits their narrative; this person who called my ex’s wife had gone a step further. This was no longer trying to understand someone; this was to hurt the person you now completely misunderstood. And they did just that.
Healing from abuse is such a complex road. People who have avoided abuse along their journey will never truly understand. This level of hurt wasn’t just from my vulnerabilities being exposed to my abuser, but now my ex was trying to weaponize my words against me. Now that this person’s actions had shown up in court and could have an impact on our kids, this level of betrayal hit me as a woman, a wife, a sister, a daughter and a mother. Does this person not realize that I’m human or that human children are involved? I was hurt by the amount of dehumanization that was needed for someone to make these choices.
But the hurt went deeper still. The original conversation at the dining room table detailed a six-hour conversation my husband had with this person. During this time, they disclosed the phone call with my ex’s wife and after hearing the opposite from my husband, this person stated they wanted to talk to me and let me share my story with them. This person talked about having a relationship with me (and I was very firm that I was not comfortable with that anymore) and slightly changing their mind about some things. But never once did they own up about sending the newsletter. They had the opportunity to take accountability and prepare me for what I was dealing with, but they did not. I had to find out from the newsletter being directly weaponized against me from my ex.
Before this moment, the thought of continuing a relationship with this person was a big “no thank you” for me and I most definitely did not desire to speak with them. However, this was my breaking point and I wanted to voice my pain to this person. I will say it again, I was not angry, but a boundary had been crossed and that is when I speak up. I put a lot of consideration into how this message was worded. My goal was to express the pain they caused and confront their behavior to reflect on and be accountable for, not to shame.
I opened by acknowledging their pain during the past four months as they had expressed that adamantly with the recent turn of events. I stated my true intentions in the situation and that I was never directly responsible for their pain, as I was far less involved than they believed. I expressed how empathetic I am to their situation, but also that in their shoes, I would not have made those choices. I appealed to the human aspects of them that we connect with, and how their actions impact my children and me. I ended by stating that I will never understand how someone who talks so much about the pain they went through and how hard that was, would willingly cause pain to another. I stated again that I was never the source of their pain, but that I truly hope they heal from whatever got them to that place.
I sent the message with absolutely no expectation. Truly. Of course, I wanted this person to see it and understand how their actions negatively impacted me, but I had said what I needed to say. What they do with my words is completely beyond my control. I felt good about my message and let my husband read it for feedback. My message was firm in confronting this person with accountability, but I approached it in a kind and respectful way. I let it be and moved on with my day.
The crazy timing of this all was that the hearing with my ex was the very next day. They planned on framing me as somehow being fraudulent and lying about the child support and that newsletter somehow proved my “motive” because of how I phrased my ex’s actions the last time he was involved in our lives. I was ready to quickly deal with it in court as completely irrelevant, but the interesting thing is that this newsletter was never brought up in court. I will have a separate post about the hearing because that comes with a separate set of lessons being learned. For now, the focus will remain on how I handled the situation with this person.
Once I understood that the newsletter had no negative impact on my kids or me, I wanted to message this person and let them know. The idea of negatively impacting my kids because of their actions could have been weighing on them after my message and I did not desire for them to have that hanging over their head. I decided to send one more message after I had processed everything. Sometimes things happen in life that seem so random it is hard to understand how they fit into the bigger picture. This whole thing felt that way and I honestly struggled to understand the point to all of it. The only thing I kept coming back to was my ex’s wife being exposed to my stories of abuse from her current husband, my ex. That reason works well for me now and so I wanted to share that positive perspective with this person.
I started my message by updating them on the newsletter not impacting anything and not wanting that over their head. I again expressed how serious this could have been because the court system is completely unpredictable and my children were involved. I asked them to consider how their actions impact others and encouraged them to always seek to act in kindness. I expressed that based on my previous encounters with this person, that is who I thought they were. I insisted on choosing to believe something good would come from this and that I am choosing to see the good in them.
This message was sent less than 24 hours after the previous message and the other person had not even responded to the first yet. I was really proud of myself for being able to turn things around so quickly. In my healing journey, it used to take me weeks and months sometimes to recover from things that would happen. However, more and more over the years that timeframe has shortened and this was another successful handling of a difficult situation. I still had no expectation of a response and felt confident in how I had expressed myself.
The next day, my husband received a message from this person. I honestly was not surprised at all that they did not message me back directly because, as I said, they were always more connected to my husband than me. But the message they sent was in regard to my messages and was very telling of where this person is at in this situation. This person talked about not trusting my husband thinking I am controlling his every move or something. They talked about being careful with their words, fearing I might use them against them. They talked about their pain and their need to heal. They talked about needing a relationship with my husband before they can have one with me. And that we cannot move forward if we have hatred in our hearts. They talked about how everything they do is in love and care for people and that they put a lot of thought and consideration into everything they do.
There were three things that stood out most right away: (1) Who has hatred? I literally ended my second message stating I chose to see the good in them. (2) I appreciate the honesty that a lot of thought and consideration went into that decision, but I’m confused where the “love and care” part comes in. And (3) this person was the one who implied they wanted a relationship with me before I found out about the newsletter and I was not comfortable with that. I also never implied that I wanted a relationship in my messages, though I did state I was moving forward. The statement about needing a relationship with my husband before me was just weird. Their connection has always been with my husband; I am just a close bystander. Not to mention, I set boundaries and made it clear that their behavior was not acceptable. I was kind and encouraging them to reflect, but I am not sure at what point I had implied a relationship was anywhere in the picture. Nothing about that message seemed even remotely related to what I had actually said or the reality of the situation.
That’s when I realized that the message was a projection of them, not a reflection of me.
They are the person with enough hatred in their heart to cause hurt to another. They are the person who wanted a relationship. The “love and care” part was almost a direct quote from my first message, and I believe them when they say they put a lot of thought into their actions. That response had nothing to do with me. Very fitting considering how little I was involved in the situation in the first place. But that message made me realize that this person and I were not at the same level of healing.
In their world, things just came crashing down as they got caught in something they tried to keep hidden; they are confronted with how their actions hurt someone else; found out those actions could possibly impact children; and must face their pain head-on. And before they can respond or even process the situation, (less than 24 hours later) I am moving on, thanking them, and choosing to see the good in them. I get it. How does someone in their state of mind process that?
As I said before, I had no expectations after my messages were sent. I meant every word I said and was genuine in both. The way in which this person perceives my messages is a reflection of themselves. So, what I perceived about their message is that their writing reflected more of their mental state than I believe they were aware of. And if that perception is a reflection of me, what does that mean? I returned to my messages and read them again and again. If what people write tells about their mental state, I wanted to see how my mental state was reflected in my writing.
For so long, I had been wishing that people would see who I truly was. I wanted my outward projection to reflect my inner heart. As I read my messages, I saw my kindness, respect, and constant humanization of a person dealing with the consequences of their actions. I was firm in holding them accountable, but I avoided shaming them. I placed boundaries and remained empathetic. My messages brought the truth to light, but I didn’t seek to cause them pain by holding concerns over their head. And I chose how I would frame this situation in my story. Reading my messages, I saw a healed person.
I am not in control of anyone or anything outside myself. There are always going to be situations in life that will impact the way things move forward. Regardless of the reality of my situation, people operated in ways that served themselves only. It was easier to see me as the enemy instead of looking at their own reality. But what they have decided was “easy” has had them trapped for months with no end in sight. My messages caused cognitive dissonance for them because the person they believed me to be is evil and my words were not. And for them to handle that, my words were rejected and turned into something they could handle. Hatred. I did not do that; they did.
I was proud of my messages. Reading them made me realize I felt my outward projection didn’t match who I am on the inside, because I was using other people’s projections instead of seeing my own reflection. I saw who I was reflecting in my messages and I am grateful to be that person today. I haven’t always been there. I used to be where this other person is currently at.
And with that thought, I let empathy rush in. I can only control where my healing is at. I will not lower myself to their level, so they feel comfortable. But I can appreciate that my messages may not be received the way they were intended. And move forward knowing that I did not further contribute to their pain. Whatever transpired here doesn’t have to make sense to me as to why people made the choices they did. All I have to deal with is how I choose to perceive what happened and how I move forward.
And I’ll choose healing every day.